Many people see me as a happy person.
That's not what I am.
I was never happy.
I am always alone.
Alone in my own world.
I never felt the love, care and concern from others.
I seem happy because people around me make me happy.
I feel happiest when I'm with Fifi.
He's the only one who can really make me happy.
No matter how depressed or sad I am,
He brightens up my feelings everytime I see him.
In secondary school,
I never had a proper group of friends to be with.
I follow whichever group of friends accepted me in.
And leave when I know that I'm being rejected.
My friends find me only when they need help in Maths.
Because I was good in that subject.
My classmates show concern when I have difficulty,
As office bearer or medical problem.
Other times, I'm alone.
Then come JC,
There were 8 girls in the class.
There were 2 groups.
I felt more comfortable with one side and followed them along.
Then in year 2, another girl joined my class as she wants to retake her 'A's.
So there were 9 girls.
Morning assembly came.
And I'm always standing alone.
I envy those who found their partner.
I always ask myself when will I find mine?
I almost found one.
Just that I thought it was only a close friend relationship I was going thru.
But feelings for him got deepen inside me.
And it happened that the wrong time.
By the time I told him,
He's already dating with another person.
I wasn't aware of it.
We had a long chat over msn.
And on speech, I readily take the step out.
He's been with her for 2 months.
I'll rather be the miserable ender than to let others take the misery.
I prefer to be the sacrificial lamb and make others happy.
Since I kept rejecting what people have been saying about us for months.
He thought that we can't be together.
But inside me,
I can't forget about him.
I never gave up.
I kept hoping for the day to come.
I'll just keep waiting for him, I told myself.
School is starting soon.
I guess I'll be too busy with school work to be bordered about all these.
But I'll still think of him.
At least we got the time to meet for lunch.
I never share with people all my sad things/stories.
I keep them to myself.
I guess these are only part of it which I can remember.
Sometimes I feel that there is no purpose in me to live.
I feel so miserable all the time.
I want to find a quite beach,
And sit on the breakwater,
On a cool weather,
And just look at the ships, clouds and birds far far away...
I feel very uneasy when the two of them are around me.
I don't know how to avoid them.
So I'll always keep a distance away from them.
I don't want to see/know what they are doing.
As it'll me feel even more miserable.
I want to go into deep sleep.
Sleep and never wake up...